Cho & the Male Prostitute
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What can I say? It was a confused time. I’d been out of juvie for a few years already. He never came to see me there, but I knew it was because he couldn’t, otherwise he’d have been there. He wouldn’t have deserted me. I had to, no ‘have to,’ believe that.
When I got out I headed straight to him, to the place I was sure he was: the state penitentiary. He wasn’t there. At least that’s what they said. I asked them to check again, asked if he’d been transferred, asked if he’d been released; all they would say is he was not incarcerated there and that that was all they could tell me. It made no sense. If he’d been released, he’d have come to visit me. I had no doubt about it.
I went home. My parents blamed everyone, but me, for my stint in juvie. I guess they couldn’t accept the fact that I was a no good kid. No parent wants to accept that about their own. But I knew I had been running with the “wrong crowd”, I had made that decision and I planned to do it again. Surely they would know where he was.
None of the guys arrested that day, including Demetri, were anywhere to be found. In fact, many of the guys I knew were gone. I went to our old hangouts; fell in with some of the old guys that I managed to find. I’d changed and they could see it. Juvie will do that to you, you either eat or get eaten and I ate. I wasn’t the scared boy any more.
I asked them about Demetri. None of them had seen him since the day of his arrest. A few told me he was in the state pen. Of course I knew that to not be true but I kept that to myself. Another, with good connections, heard he’d been iced after beating the shit out of another prisoner. I hid it, but I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. Could it be true? Was Demetri gone? I refused to believe it was true. No, Demetri couldn’t be gone, that was not an option. Yet, I knew Demetri, knew he had a temper when provoked, and part of me knew that it was a possibility. He really could be dead.
My next stop was the closest cemetery. He wasn’t there either. I checked all the local cemeteries; he wasn’t buried in any of them. I didn’t know what to think about it all. I stopped thinking about him being a lifeless body lying in the ground somewhere, but I couldn’t stop thinking of him.
A few days later Kwan approached me while I was in a rather secluded area. I hadn’t seen him since before I was arrested, had heard he’d disappeared, so I was surprised to see him. I knew he and Dem had been friends, so I decided to “play nice”. I can admit that sometimes I’d get jealous because I’d see Dem and Kwan go off alone together and Dem would never talk about what they did or where they went. Kwan, at the time, was a respected, trusted member of the gang, though he seemed to be a loner. He was smart, fast, and strong; aside from Demetri, he was probably the toughest guy I knew. Like Dem, you never saw him flinch, no matter what he was facing. He’d always been a bit standoffish to me, so I was curious when he approached. I thought that if anyone knew what had happened to Demetri, Kwan would. He always seemed to know everything.
“Cho.” he said as he approached, looking around to see if there was anyone watching us.
“Kwan.” I greeted back.
He talked to me for awhile, asked a lot of questions, almost as if he was collecting information. I listened, I answered his questions, but the whole time I was just waiting for the opportunity to bring up Demetri without being too obvious that I cared one way or the other. Part of me was afraid that I’d get the answer I dreaded, confirmed. I asked about some of the others before finally asking about Dem.
I thought I saw a shift in Kwan’s eyes right before he answered. He said Dem was let out early, for good behavior or on some technicality perhaps, and had started running with a tougher crowd. He’d gotten in tight with some badass gang leader. Apparently the guy was real bad news and had gotten Demetri into a drug habit. My heart sank, but I hid it.
Kwan said Dem wasn’t the same guy anymore, he was cruel and vicious. He had turned his back on Kwan and all his old “friends”. Apparently Dem and this guy had become so tight that he’d made Dem sort of his right hand man. That didn’t happen often, usually you rose in the ranks slowly. But now Dem was firmly ensconced in this other guy’s gang; they had left California and weren’t coming back. Kwan said that these guys played really hard and fast; they were powerful, successful, elusive dealers and untouchable. For all he knew, Dem could be dead by now and if he wasn’t, he probably would be soon.
He seemed to know what he was talking about. I asked him how I’d go about hooking up with these guys. He said it was impossible; they were well guarded and the only way in was if one of them came to you.
And besides, he added in a sure voice, “Demetri wouldn’t want you there.”
He told me to forget about Demetri, he wasn’t the same guy anymore. He said if he was lucky enough to escape death, he’d be in and out of jail for the rest of his life. He told me I should do myself a favor and stop trying to idolize a gang banger because sooner or later they all end up dead.
I persisted in asking how I could find this gang. Where did they go? What were they called? How could I reach Demetri? I had a feeling that Kwan knew the answer to every one of my questions but he wouldn't answer, kept shifting the subject. I was getting angry. I moved fast and grabbed Kwan by the shirt, backing him against a brick wall. Stupid move, in retrospect, he could have killed me. He was much stronger and fast then I was and a hell of a better fighter. He could have easily taken me down right then and there. But he didn’t. In factr, he never even attempted to fight back in any way. His eyes looked around again, scanning our surroundings. What is he looking for? I wondered.
He looked back to my eyes when I shook him and yelled: “Tell me how I can find them! Tell me how I can find Demetri!”
Kwan then delivered the blow, not with his hands but with his mouth.
“Demetri doesn’t want you there. You’re the one who got you both busted last time! If you show up now, you’ll be responsible for getting yourself and Demetri killed! Is that what you want? You want him dead? He’s forgotten all about me, you, the others, this place. I suggest you do the same. No good will come of it if you continue to look for him. Look Cho, I’m telling you again, do yourself a favor, and especially do Demetri a favor, and let it go. Demetri wants…” Kwan paused for a moment, then redirected, “the Demetri you knew would want that. Wasn’t he trying to straighten you out? Why don't you follow the path he was so desperately trying to lay out for you, he was looking out for you. If he really means that much to you then show it by rising above this and living a better life then the one you’re headed for. Stop looking for him, let him go. He wouldn’t want you following him.”
His words struck hard. I let him go. I walked away and didn’t look back.
I took his advice. After thinking about it for days, I realized that if Dem hadn’t come back by now, he’d never come back. I cursed the guy who took him from me, who managed to get him addicted. Because of the drugs, I knew Dem wouldn’t be the same person anymore. I couldn’t bear the thought that he could be dead. Or if not dead yet, that he could OD or be killed at any given moment. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t EVER want to know if that had happened. That’s why when I began working law enforcement; I never let myself search his name.
Anyway, even with what I had heard from Kwan, I couldn’t let go of Demetri. He was a part of me. I couldn’t bear the thought that he had changed so I didn’t think of him the way he was now, I kept him the Demetri I knew. Not a day went by that he was not in my thoughts.
I got my GED, a job, stayed out of trouble, basically went through the motions during the day and dreamt of Dem at night. On the inside I was restless. I met women at work who hit on me. I dated some of them, slept with some of them but while there were a few, over time, that I genuinely liked; I gave them no commitment of any kind. Once they figured out that wasn’t going to change, they’d break things off. I didn’t care. Never gave them a second thought but by now I was on my trillionth thought of Demetri. I’d jerk off while remembering his kiss, his touch, his scent and his voice. Time hadn’t diminished my desire one bit. Then I saw him!
I was hanging around one night, just roaming really, in an area of town where a lot of shady things went down: drugs, fights, prostitution; a playground for the disreputable. I’d chosen a spot and was leaning against a light pole, taking in the sights. A few hookers approached; there weren’t any “nice girls” in an area like this. I sent them all packing, I had no interest in paying for sex, I didn’t need to, I could get all the pussy I wanted for free. Problem was I didn’t want any, I only wanted Demetri.
I was about to move along when the door to the bar across the street opened and Demetri walked out. I couldn’t believe it. I took in a sharp breath and stared, my eyes taking in every bit of him. He was dressed differently then he used to. Gone were the black jeans, the black t-shirt, the leather jacket; they were replaced by shabby, ill fitting clothes. He looked a bit unkempt, but also like he didn’t care.
I was about to run across the street, to him when another man came out of the bar. This one older, well dressed and well groomed. He went to Demetri and they exchanged words. Finally Dem nodded and the two of them walked down the block, turning the corner when they reached it.
I darted across the street and followed. Saw them as they turned into a dark alley. I ran and peeked into the passageway; they weren’t in sight. I made my way down the alley quietly listening for any sound that would clue me in to where they were. It didn’t take but a minute before I heard the sounds.
I crept up, peeked around the corner of an abandoned building and saw Demetri on his knees blowing the guy. I was shocked. Okay, and jealous. Who the hell was that guy? My thoughts went back to what Kwan had said about Demetri not being the same guy he was before, I guess he’d been right.
I saw the guy grab Dem’s head with his hands and promptly saw Dem’s hands come up and shove the guy’s hands away, holding them firmly in place against the wall of the building that the man was leaning up against. I guess Dem was having none of that. Within a minute the guy came and Demetri stayed latched on; however when he pulled off after the guy was done, I could see there was a condom on the guy. Dem didn’t bother taking the condom off the guy; he just stood up and put his hand out. Huh? What was that all about?
The guy reached in his jacket pocket and took out money. He handed it to Dem who took it then walked away as he said: “Nice doin’ business with you. See you next time.” My God, was Demetri a hustler now? Had he really sunk that low? I could hardly believe that. I noticed his voice had changed, it was a bit higher then I remembered.
I quickly ducked behind a parked car and watched as Demetri left the alley. I followed again. He went right back to the bar he’d been inside before. I went back to my place across the street, stayed there for awhile watching to see if he’d come out again. When I looked at my watch it was 2 a.m. I had to be at work in four hours, I knew I needed to go. So I left but I knew I’d be back.